So here I am. Jumping in the deep end again. And it all feels so futile, again. I just eat eat eat and don't stop to think because if I think, I realise how far down the wrong path I've wandered...again. What will it take to make me change? I want to, I need to, I have to and yet I just carry on eating the wrong things, piling the weight on and hiding away or selling all the smaller clothes I once felt confident enough to buy.

Last time I was blogging in earnest, it was in preparation for a trip to Italy. I got to Italy, I fitted in the chairs on the plane and all went well. However, once that was achieved, I failed to put in place a new and solid goal. Now I have one - I move to Amsterdam on August 19. I want to shift at least a little bit of weight in the month before then. I can't do anything drastic in that time but maybe I can lose half a stone or so. In fact, yes, that will be my goal: I want to lose half a stone before I move to Amsterdam. I know that is achievable.

I don't particularly want to face up to the scales as I know I've regressed so much that I am probably the heaviest I've ever been now. Still, if I swallow my pride and go to the hospital tomorrow, maybe I can kickstart my journey again. If I blog again tomorrow, you know it went well...

I'm losing interest again, I can sense it! I really need to have lost weight this week or I have a feeling my self destructive side is going to take over.

I've been quite good though...I've been pointing my food and aside from Wed night when I got that pizza, I don't think I've gone over. I went out for a meal on Friday, for Elizabeth's hen night and let myself down slightly...I was going to go for the prawn cocktail as starter followed by a prawn and tomato tagliatelle but when I got there, that's not what I fancied at all. I ended up having garlic mushrooms for a starter and cajun chicken with chips for main. I think my will power failed as I'd had nothing to eat aside from a packet of crisps all day (nothing in the house at the time). I don't think I went over my points but it's difficult to work out restaurant food.

So I am managing to stick to things quite well but my determinism is somewhat lacking this week. I think it's cos I've got a lot on with uni work...once I get this essay out of the way perhaps I'll be able to start obsessing over this again! I haven't had chance to do much exercise either, cos I've spent most of this week sat at the computer reading about Catholicism in the 1500s.

I'm back at uni tomorrow and on Mondays we have a 3 hour break that's usually spent in the pub. I want to try and avoid pub food so I'm going to make up some sandwiches to take I think.

I'm eating a lot of bread lately...I say lately but then again, I always do. I struggle to think of lunches that don't involve sandwiches yet are equally as convenient. Any ideas?

Meh, I've been rubbish today. I started off feeling quite positive, like I was just going to carry on and not be bothered about the WI last night. I did quite well at lunch time - although we had to go out with Alex's mam to eat, we went to the Toby Carvery and I stuffed myself on not many points at all.

Then I had to go to the hospital for the group meeting, which was basically talking about food for 2 hours. I didn't bother getting a snack either and then somehow time went by without me noticing (cos I didn't plan my day either) and it was 7pm, I was starving and couldn't be arsed cooking. We ended up ordering pizza, with both of us saying that it was just for one night and we'd be good again tomorrow. I don't know how many times we've said that and had that 'just one night off' turn into weeks, sometimes months.

Thing is, I knew there was a danger of me doing this. I always do after I'm disappointed that my efforts haven't paid off. I end up getting self destructive and eating badly. I'm not even conscious most of the time of what processes my mind goes through but there's a definite pattern of this and I suspected I'd be the same today. It wasn't enough to stop me when the time came though.

I really need to get hold of the fact that I can't go on like this forever and that I have to commit properly in order to change. Even if that change seems slower than tectonic plates, it's still happening, even half a pound at a time.

Starting again, as of now.

Weigh-in day today and I'm not happy. I lost half a pound. Half a pound, ffs! I have been sooo good this week, only had one minor slip up in York and I've been exercising pretty much every day, eating fruit, remembering breakfast and to eat regularly and all that comes off is half a frigging pound.

I feel so disheartened with it all. I tried so hard this week and barely shifted anything - what hope is there for me if this is how it goes? I'm so frustrated. Terrified too - I only have 4 and a half weeks to go before I have to somehow squeeze into an economy seat to Italy. I barely fitted when I went to New York and I was almost 2 stone lighter then and that was a seat for a long haul flight so probably wider than the one I'm gonna have to fit into in just over a month. What am I gonna do? If I lose half a pound a week for 4 weeks, that's only a 2 pound loss and that's if I try my best like I have this week. Arrrrghhhh.

I was so convinced I'd do well this week and now I feel gutted - like I should have stuffed my face at the BBQ and had what I wanted at the picnic and in York cos it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

Alex reckons I would have lost more if we hadn't gone to Nandos for lunch today as we had quite a late lunch there. I was within my points but he says it was probably still lying on my stomach. I think he's just trying to make me feel better but it's not working!

The leader was a bit crap too. She's so vague and disinterested. She's always jolly enough but it's like WeightWatchers patented jolliness...it seems a bit false. I tried to tell her how disappointed I was, as I thought she was there to support but she just shrugged it off and told me to get focused on the fact I'd lost weight, she didn't even ask why I was disappointed. I felt like I was being dismissed so didn't even stay for the meeting, just came home to fume to Alex, the poor bastard!

Right, what can I do? I'm so tempted to give in to these feelings and just give up on it all but I've done that so many times before and that's not gonna make this holiday to Italy vanish or the plane seats magically become a foot wider.

I'm going to try and cut my points down a bit this week, see if that helps as it's getting desperate now. I will stick to 28 points a day (supposed to be 32). I'll also make sure I do at least 15 mins of activity a day - whether it's playing something strenuous on the Wii or walking, I'll schedule that time each day. Food wise, I have my meals planned til Friday and will stick to them.

I have had to think on my feet a bit this week - things like days out, BBQs, picnics and the like to factor in but this week should be a little easier in that respect. I have Elizabeth's hen night on Fri when we're going for a meal but I'll try and look at the menu before I go to the restaurant and make my choices in advance.

Right, there are my goals for the week. Let's hope it gets better than this week :( Any suggestions?

For an Easter Sunday, I think I've done pretty well. Not a single bit of chocolate has passed these lips - I am a frigging saint, I tell you!

I've also been to a picnic that was overflowing with pork pies, scones, cakes and the like. This was followed by a family BBQ resplendent with tastiness. I stuck to the food I brought to the picnic and had pointed earlier and at the BBQ, I stole a couple of tiny pieces of pizza and then went home for a healthy tea.

We had the picnic in the park and I (me!) suggested a game of rounders and even participated, haha. I didn't last long and I was not a pretty sight afterwards (or during!) but it's the first time I've broke into a run in about 4 years! All this bloody effort better show on the scales on Tuesday, I tell you.

I also took the situation into my own hands and contacted that friend I was on about earlier in the week...just dropped a text asking how they were and they texted back amiably enough so now I'm comfortable with the fact that maybe I didn't offend them after all.

Tomorrow I'm driving a film crew around for the day and I've got to be at the start point for 8am. The shooting's gonna last til 4 and I'm panicking a bit about food. We were due to go grocery shopping this morning but all the bloody supermarkets were shut for Jesus and his eggs so our shelves are bare. I'm not sure what strategy I'm gonna go for yet - maybe go to the shop very early in the morning and get some stuff for sarnies? Probably best.

Breakfast: 2 toast & WW spread - 3pts
Lunch: 2 buns (4pts), ham (0.5pt), chicken (0.5pt), apple (0.5pt), monster munch (1.5pt), 2 mini onion bhaji (3pts)
Snack: 2 small slices frozen pizza (3pts), slice garlic baguette (2pt)
Tea: noodles (3pts), southern fried chicken grill (4pts), mayo (0.5pt), bread (2pt)

Another day without going over my points! Woo, well done me! I'm especially impressed with myself as I went out for lunch with the other half earlier - I asked for a prawn sandwich and he ordered a massive tuna and mayo baguette for me by accident. I knew it would be impossible to point and there was probably more than a tin's worth of tuna and shitloads of full fat mayo in it. Normally I'd just eat it anyway but today I didn't! I felt bad about wasting money but knew it was better for me. I just had a few chips off the side that I knew I could point fairly accurately but even then I didn't eat the the full portion. Go willpower! :)

Tea was a turkey curry with half a packet of Uncle Ben's finest microwave rice and a couple of WW naan breads. I didn't have any breakfast today though, which is not great - I've had breakfast every day this week so far. Still, that's a minor thing that I won't dwell on.

I also got a bit of exercise. I randomly drove to the place I used to live and was just going to turn round and drive home again when I thought of having a walk about for a bit. So I spent a good 20 mins exploring the streets of my youth, reminiscing to myself. Everything's changed but it's all still the same there.

Lunch: Chips & tomato sauce (8pts - over estimating just in case)
Snack: 2 crumpets, WW cream cheese spread, apple (3.5pts)
Tea: turkey (4pts), jalfreizi sauce (4pts), uncle ben's rice (3pts), 2 WW naan (3pts)

Wii Fit

I realise I need to get more active in order to speed up my weight loss. I've been trying to fit in regular 10-15 minute walks but whilst that helps, I think I need to do more.

Last year, I was at a yoga class which I absolutely loved as I'm part hippy anyway and thought the meditation side of it was brilliant. However, I have lectures that clash with that class now so I've not been for over a year. I do go to my weekly exercise class at the hospital but that's very very low impact.

The thought of joining a proper gym or going to a public swimming pool is enough to fill me with abject fear. I wish they'd start up a Weight Watchers only set of exercise classes or something - where everyone's in the same boat.

I've been hearing a lot of people talking about the Wii Fit lately and this sounds ideal for me. Lots of little (fun) exercises that can be done from the privacy of my own front room. I decided earlier today that I'd use my left over bursary money and treat myself to a Wii with the Wii Fit.

So, I set about researching the best prices and all that, only to find that it has an upper weight limit of 330 pounds. I realise this is what a lot of people may consider quite a generous limit (23st 8) but when it's on a product that's designed to help people get into exercise and battle obesity, it seems a little foolish to restrict the weight at that.

I've been reading around some forums regarding this issue and they're packed full of wankers saying that if you're above 330 pounds then you shouldn't be relying on the Wii Fit anyway and should seek medical help. They don't seem to want to know about the people who are already seeking medical help and trying in a million ways to do something about their weight. They moan on one hand about fat people this, fat people that, and they'll criticise the obese for being lazy, self indulgent and all that bollocks whilst simultaneously acting like it's completely acceptable to write off any efforts that said fat people may want to make as being not good enough or ridiculous.

It makes me so mad that ignorance and intolerance towards fat people is practically socially acceptable - we're treated like pariahs and I'm absolutely sick of it. If I do nothing about my weight, I fall into their 'lazy' category and if I was to show up at the gym or the pool, I'd be stared at like a freakshow exhibit and the overriding attitude would be 'what the fuck is she doing here?'.

It's also very annoying that Nintendo, in producing something aimed at getting people more active, have written out the very people their product could benefit the most. Those on the 'wrong' side of 330 pounds are not going to drop their excess weight quickly. It's all about making small lifestyle changes that are maintainable. The Wii Fit has the potential to be one of those small changes that will help in the bigger picture of weight loss and for some reason, it's out of reach.

I currently weigh 341 pounds so am excluded from the Wii Fit club. It's annoying because I think it's the ideal thing for me right now. I think I'm going to get the Wii anyway and play some of the other games that involve physical movement. If I get down to Nintendo's acceptable fatty weight, I'll treat myself to the Wii Fit board.