I've done well on the food front today - I'm finding I'm thinking more about my food and my meals. Sometimes it's a bit much to have my mind so focused on food but it's good in a way because whilst it's all at the forefront of my mind, I'm better at sticking to my diet. When I am not so concerned, I don't think about it as much, don't care about it as much and then it all starts unravelling. I'm going to start making a list at the bottom of my posts so that I can look back and see what I've been eating and if it all does start going wrong, I'll be able to make some links, maybe.

Aside from the diet, my mood's been a bit odd today. I'm still feeling quite positive and focused but am a bit anxious about a few things and keep drifting into that mindset. Alex is away tonight and although I spent a couple of years living completely alone, now I find it really odd and a bit scary when I have the house to myself all night. I hear noises all over the place and find it very difficult to sleep.

Then there's a strange situation with a friend who keeps blowing hot and cold. He'll text every day for a while then he'll go a couple of weeks and I won't hear a word - no replies online or anything. He came round last Saturday and I haven't really heard from him since. This is not a bad thing on his part - he's a busy guy, with a girlfriend, full time job and a masters degree to fit in. It's my stupid paranoia that cripples me. I end up thinking too much about it, wondering if I've offended him and going through all the stupid shit I might have said without thinking. I know when I next see him, he'll be absolutely fine with me but still, when he goes off the radar for a bit, I convince myself I've done something wrong and he hates me.

This is not a new thing but it's something that hasn't happened for a while. Every time I meet someone who I feel could end up being a really good friend and confidante, I get like this. I think I have a hard time believing that someone actually likes me enough to stick around and be friends. There's always a voice at the back of my head that's telling me that they all secretly hate me and that I'm not worthy of their friendship. An innate fear of rejection, I suppose. Funny, considering my brain's mostly convinced that I'm ok on my own and don't actually need anyone. I'm a walking frigging contradiction.

Written down, this all sounds very self pitying and a bit needy and crap. I feel like I should state that I don't let these types of feelings spill over into my relationships. I just end up stressing over them inwardly and it's really frustrating, especially when I know these negative thoughts have no basis in anything other than my lack of self esteem.

Again, just writing it all down helps break down the thoughts swirling round and gives me a better, more objective perspective on everything. I know I'm treating this blog a bit like a confessional but then again I absolutely believe that weight problems like mine have their roots in the mind, not the body. Expressing my mind and attempting to reevaluate my thoughts has gotta have a positive knock on effect, surely?

I am managing pretty well in sticking to my mini goals for this week. I've had a piece of fruit a day, for starters. I know I'm supposed to be aiming at my 5 a day but y'know, baby steps and all. Every little helps, apparently.

I have been doing quite a bit of walking too. I walked my legs off in York yesterday and also spent about an hour walking about town today. I would have gone out for another walk this afternoon but my HMS is playing up quite badly after driving and wandering about for hours yesterday. Even my wrists are hurting today - I could barely pick up a pan earlier.

I've also made a start on my Renaissance Lit essay. I've decided to focus on Elizabethan religious issues and the literature that came from the conflicts between the Catholics and the Protestants. I haven't picked any specific authors to hone in on yet but the research is going nicely thus far.

Anyway, food intake today:

Breakfast: 2xtoast, spread, ham (3pts)
Lunch: 2xbread, tuna in french dressing (4pts)
Snack: apple (0.5pts), snackajack crisps (2pts)
Tea: noodles (5pts), chicken with Chinese marinade (3pts), salad (2pts)

Well, today went a little better than expected, but I still fucked it up in the end! I went to York and it was beautiful, as ever. I bought an excess of things I truly don't need but either sparkled at me or looked too pretty to leave on the shelf. It was nice mooching around with my boyfriend, Alex and getting to spend a little time with my sisters and Dad, too.

Food wise, I started off with a really light breakfast so I could save the points for eating out - I just had a WW yoghurt and an apple. Lunch time I did myself proud - we went to Bella Italia and I wanted a pizza or a panini with chips but managed to pick the spaghetti napoli instead (just 7 pts). I did get garlic bread with it, which with hindsight, I regret - it was a tiny portion and I resent wasting 6 pts on it!

It went downhill later though. My partner wanted to go to the Gourmet Burger Kitchen and as I'd only had 14 pts all day, I thought I might be able to get away with it. Only now I've come home and tried to point it and can't find any nutritional information anywhere! I have a sinking suspicion that I've gone well over my points, as the burgers were bloody massive.

Still, although I am annoyed with myself a bit, I suppose it was a step in the right direction. I didn't indulge myself all day, I managed to show a bit of restraint in my choices and I'm going to try and be proud of myself for that and not cut myself up about going over my points - it was a genuine mistake today as I believed I was eating within them.

My negativity does hinder me somewhat...the more guilty I feel about my eating habits, the more I convince myself that I'm an abject failure and will never succeed at losing weight. Once that thought is at the forefront of my mind, it's far too easy to skip to 'well, what's the point of even trying?'.

I think this blog is helping already though - just putting things down in black and white is helping to clarify my feelings and recognise some of the patterns I have with my eating. I'm only a few days in so I feel a bit cautious about saying I feel like I'm back on track but what the hell, let's be positive...I'm on track today and I was yesterday and that is fucking good news for me. Tis about time I recognised the positive as well as the negative.

I did well today. It's probably down to my elite planning skills. I managed to stick to my mini goals all day and as a result, got shitloads done and stuck to my points.

I did hit a stumbling block at the cinema when I went to the toilet and came back to find my other half had bought me a Cornetto. However, I had the points spare so no harm done, just means no supper for me tonight!

Am a bit concerned about tomorrow and sticking to my points. I'm going for a day out in York and it may well extend to an overnight stay. If that's the case, it's going to mean eating out for both dinner and tea.

I have real issues with eating out. If I'm in a restaurant and paying someone to eat then I feel as though I should be able to eat whatever is the nicest thing on the damn menu if I want it. I often find myself skipping what I know are the healthy choices and going for a 'treat' just cos I'm in a restaurant. I feel somehow cheated if I pick based on what's the healthiest thing - as though I'm depriving myself of the full 'eating out' experience.

This probably wouldn't be so bad if it was a one off but I eat out far too much and it's probably been one of the biggest contributions to my weight gain over the years. If it was a one off, then y'know, it's a treat and I can live with that. However, eating out two or three times a week is more of a habit than it is a treat and with Italy looming, I really need to sort my head out about this.

Part of me is convinced that the next time I write here I'm going to have to report a bad food day, even though right now it could technically still go either way. I have no trust in my willpower! Maybe the thought of forcing myself to confess on here afterwards will tempt me into being good. We'll see.

It's all blue skies and gusty winds in Teesside today, refreshing and rejuvenating. There's a new, spring like energy in the air and it's creeping up on me too. I know it's early days but I feel more positive this week than I have in a long time with regards to sorting my life out.

I do a lot better with everything when I take the time to disentangle my thoughts and structure them a little better - I might be a bit of a control freak but I know for sure that if I write down in advance what I'm going to do with my day and include what I plan to eat, then I end up getting a lot more done than if I just muddle about aimlessly.

I imagine it won't make terribly interesting reading but it's really helped me in the past and perhaps it could inspire someone else who thinks along the same lines as I do. So, with that in mind, here's how I sort myself out on my good days. Firstly, I figure out my to-do list for the day and today it goes as follows:

* Phone the university regarding my council tax exemption certificate
* Tidy computer room
* Formulate an essay plan for my Renaissance Literature module
* Go to the doctors to order repeat prescription (and, if I can summon the confidence, book a smear test)
* Go to the hospital exercise class
* Go to cinema with Alex, Eamonn and Eken to see the Damned United

Ok, so those are my aims for the day. My diet is a priority at the moment and as such, I want to try and plan my meals too:

Breakfast - had cereal and semi skimmed milk (3 pts)
Snack - an apple (1/2 point)
Lunch - omelette with 2 eggs (3pts), cheese (1.5pts), mushrooms, ham and salad (2 pts for dressing)
Tea - salmon and prawn tagliatelle made with tagliatelle (5pts), prawns (1.5pts), smoked salmon (2pts), WW soft cheese (1.5pts) and garlic bread (4pts)


Next, I allocate times for everything - although it's important for me to be flexible (I'm not completely OCD, haha). It's 11am now so:

11.15 - Phone university, have snack

12.00 - Lunch

1.00 - Exercise class at hospital

2.00 - Go to doctors to get prescription sorted

3.00 - Home, chill out for half an hour, then tidy computer room

4.00 - Ren Lit essay plan

6.00 - Cook tea

8.00 - Go to cinema

I've made sure to not fill up my day completely - I still have plenty of time to just sit around and do nothing if the mood strikes!

In other news, my anti-establishment blood is boiling this morning after viewing this horrific video: http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/apr/07/ian-tomlinson-g20-death-video . How any action like this can ever be justified is beyond me but I'm sure the ranks will close and we'll be fed some bullshit story about the need to eliminate terror or something. Bastards.

Ok, I need to be more conscious regarding my eating habits and this diet I'm on. I need to start looking at these snappily named SMART goals and stop being so damn vague about everything.

First, the good stuff. Back in June 2006, I weighed 26 stone 9lbs. By the time I went to Cuba in March 2008 I weighed 22st 9lbs. That's a four stone loss, 56 lbs. Well done me. I never really allowed myself to appreciate how well I did getting to that point as I was so wound up with how much was left to lose.

I want to stop being like that, I would like to record and appreciate every little loss and celebrate it, set some small goals and reward myself each time I reach one. I want to document my weight loss journey, both the highs and the lows. I know I distance myself from my emotions and my habits - perhaps this will be a way of picking up on underlying patterns that I've not been aware of.

So, with that in mind, here's where I am now: I had a relapse following my holiday to Cuba. Last year I lost sight of what I wanted and found it exceedingly difficult to restrict my impulsive eating habits. I put on weight again and when I decided to get back onto the rickety wagon in late Feb this year, I weighed 25st. I would have screamed at myself, but obviously I'm far too repressed to do that!

I'm now down to 24st 4.5lbs. It's still a good bit heavier than this time last year but it is what it is and I can either get hung up on that and give it all up as a bad job or I can start again, keep going and see what happens.

It's an exhausting merry-go-round and all I want to do is eat what I want, when I want it. It angers my self destructive, indulgent side that I have to think about what I'm eating and moderate it - it feels as though I'm depriving myself of something - I'll even start convincing myself how I deserve to have pizza tonight and that I shouldn't have to have something healthy.

However, if I want to change things for myself, then I do have to watch myself. Alas, I'm not one of those annoying people who can ingest their weight in chocolate and never have it show on the scales.

So, I'm going to make some mini goals, for this week and then for this month:

* I will limit myself to one take away. I'll do this by making sure I plan my meals in advance, the night before if possible.

* I will eat at least one piece of fruit a day.

* On Thursday, Saturday and Monday I will go for a walk of at least 10 minutes and I will attend my exercise class on Wednesday and investigate the swimming class in Guisborough.

* I will try and document my feelings in this blog every few days as well record any achieved goals.

* I will stick to my WW points each day and aim for a 2lb weight loss this week - if achieved, I will buy myself a new album or DVD.

* By 15 May, I will aim toward a goal weight of 23st 8.5lbs - a loss of 10lbs. My holiday to Italy will be reward enough for this achievement.

Right, let's see how it goes.