I've done well on the food front today - I'm finding I'm thinking more about my food and my meals. Sometimes it's a bit much to have my mind so focused on food but it's good in a way because whilst it's all at the forefront of my mind, I'm better at sticking to my diet. When I am not so concerned, I don't think about it as much, don't care about it as much and then it all starts unravelling. I'm going to start making a list at the bottom of my posts so that I can look back and see what I've been eating and if it all does start going wrong, I'll be able to make some links, maybe.

Aside from the diet, my mood's been a bit odd today. I'm still feeling quite positive and focused but am a bit anxious about a few things and keep drifting into that mindset. Alex is away tonight and although I spent a couple of years living completely alone, now I find it really odd and a bit scary when I have the house to myself all night. I hear noises all over the place and find it very difficult to sleep.

Then there's a strange situation with a friend who keeps blowing hot and cold. He'll text every day for a while then he'll go a couple of weeks and I won't hear a word - no replies online or anything. He came round last Saturday and I haven't really heard from him since. This is not a bad thing on his part - he's a busy guy, with a girlfriend, full time job and a masters degree to fit in. It's my stupid paranoia that cripples me. I end up thinking too much about it, wondering if I've offended him and going through all the stupid shit I might have said without thinking. I know when I next see him, he'll be absolutely fine with me but still, when he goes off the radar for a bit, I convince myself I've done something wrong and he hates me.

This is not a new thing but it's something that hasn't happened for a while. Every time I meet someone who I feel could end up being a really good friend and confidante, I get like this. I think I have a hard time believing that someone actually likes me enough to stick around and be friends. There's always a voice at the back of my head that's telling me that they all secretly hate me and that I'm not worthy of their friendship. An innate fear of rejection, I suppose. Funny, considering my brain's mostly convinced that I'm ok on my own and don't actually need anyone. I'm a walking frigging contradiction.

Written down, this all sounds very self pitying and a bit needy and crap. I feel like I should state that I don't let these types of feelings spill over into my relationships. I just end up stressing over them inwardly and it's really frustrating, especially when I know these negative thoughts have no basis in anything other than my lack of self esteem.

Again, just writing it all down helps break down the thoughts swirling round and gives me a better, more objective perspective on everything. I know I'm treating this blog a bit like a confessional but then again I absolutely believe that weight problems like mine have their roots in the mind, not the body. Expressing my mind and attempting to reevaluate my thoughts has gotta have a positive knock on effect, surely?

I am managing pretty well in sticking to my mini goals for this week. I've had a piece of fruit a day, for starters. I know I'm supposed to be aiming at my 5 a day but y'know, baby steps and all. Every little helps, apparently.

I have been doing quite a bit of walking too. I walked my legs off in York yesterday and also spent about an hour walking about town today. I would have gone out for another walk this afternoon but my HMS is playing up quite badly after driving and wandering about for hours yesterday. Even my wrists are hurting today - I could barely pick up a pan earlier.

I've also made a start on my Renaissance Lit essay. I've decided to focus on Elizabethan religious issues and the literature that came from the conflicts between the Catholics and the Protestants. I haven't picked any specific authors to hone in on yet but the research is going nicely thus far.

Anyway, food intake today:

Breakfast: 2xtoast, spread, ham (3pts)
Lunch: 2xbread, tuna in french dressing (4pts)
Snack: apple (0.5pts), snackajack crisps (2pts)
Tea: noodles (5pts), chicken with Chinese marinade (3pts), salad (2pts)