I'm losing interest again, I can sense it! I really need to have lost weight this week or I have a feeling my self destructive side is going to take over.

I've been quite good though...I've been pointing my food and aside from Wed night when I got that pizza, I don't think I've gone over. I went out for a meal on Friday, for Elizabeth's hen night and let myself down slightly...I was going to go for the prawn cocktail as starter followed by a prawn and tomato tagliatelle but when I got there, that's not what I fancied at all. I ended up having garlic mushrooms for a starter and cajun chicken with chips for main. I think my will power failed as I'd had nothing to eat aside from a packet of crisps all day (nothing in the house at the time). I don't think I went over my points but it's difficult to work out restaurant food.

So I am managing to stick to things quite well but my determinism is somewhat lacking this week. I think it's cos I've got a lot on with uni work...once I get this essay out of the way perhaps I'll be able to start obsessing over this again! I haven't had chance to do much exercise either, cos I've spent most of this week sat at the computer reading about Catholicism in the 1500s.

I'm back at uni tomorrow and on Mondays we have a 3 hour break that's usually spent in the pub. I want to try and avoid pub food so I'm going to make up some sandwiches to take I think.

I'm eating a lot of bread lately...I say lately but then again, I always do. I struggle to think of lunches that don't involve sandwiches yet are equally as convenient. Any ideas?

Meh, I've been rubbish today. I started off feeling quite positive, like I was just going to carry on and not be bothered about the WI last night. I did quite well at lunch time - although we had to go out with Alex's mam to eat, we went to the Toby Carvery and I stuffed myself on not many points at all.

Then I had to go to the hospital for the group meeting, which was basically talking about food for 2 hours. I didn't bother getting a snack either and then somehow time went by without me noticing (cos I didn't plan my day either) and it was 7pm, I was starving and couldn't be arsed cooking. We ended up ordering pizza, with both of us saying that it was just for one night and we'd be good again tomorrow. I don't know how many times we've said that and had that 'just one night off' turn into weeks, sometimes months.

Thing is, I knew there was a danger of me doing this. I always do after I'm disappointed that my efforts haven't paid off. I end up getting self destructive and eating badly. I'm not even conscious most of the time of what processes my mind goes through but there's a definite pattern of this and I suspected I'd be the same today. It wasn't enough to stop me when the time came though.

I really need to get hold of the fact that I can't go on like this forever and that I have to commit properly in order to change. Even if that change seems slower than tectonic plates, it's still happening, even half a pound at a time.

Starting again, as of now.

Weigh-in day today and I'm not happy. I lost half a pound. Half a pound, ffs! I have been sooo good this week, only had one minor slip up in York and I've been exercising pretty much every day, eating fruit, remembering breakfast and to eat regularly and all that comes off is half a frigging pound.

I feel so disheartened with it all. I tried so hard this week and barely shifted anything - what hope is there for me if this is how it goes? I'm so frustrated. Terrified too - I only have 4 and a half weeks to go before I have to somehow squeeze into an economy seat to Italy. I barely fitted when I went to New York and I was almost 2 stone lighter then and that was a seat for a long haul flight so probably wider than the one I'm gonna have to fit into in just over a month. What am I gonna do? If I lose half a pound a week for 4 weeks, that's only a 2 pound loss and that's if I try my best like I have this week. Arrrrghhhh.

I was so convinced I'd do well this week and now I feel gutted - like I should have stuffed my face at the BBQ and had what I wanted at the picnic and in York cos it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

Alex reckons I would have lost more if we hadn't gone to Nandos for lunch today as we had quite a late lunch there. I was within my points but he says it was probably still lying on my stomach. I think he's just trying to make me feel better but it's not working!

The leader was a bit crap too. She's so vague and disinterested. She's always jolly enough but it's like WeightWatchers patented jolliness...it seems a bit false. I tried to tell her how disappointed I was, as I thought she was there to support but she just shrugged it off and told me to get focused on the fact I'd lost weight, she didn't even ask why I was disappointed. I felt like I was being dismissed so didn't even stay for the meeting, just came home to fume to Alex, the poor bastard!

Right, what can I do? I'm so tempted to give in to these feelings and just give up on it all but I've done that so many times before and that's not gonna make this holiday to Italy vanish or the plane seats magically become a foot wider.

I'm going to try and cut my points down a bit this week, see if that helps as it's getting desperate now. I will stick to 28 points a day (supposed to be 32). I'll also make sure I do at least 15 mins of activity a day - whether it's playing something strenuous on the Wii or walking, I'll schedule that time each day. Food wise, I have my meals planned til Friday and will stick to them.

I have had to think on my feet a bit this week - things like days out, BBQs, picnics and the like to factor in but this week should be a little easier in that respect. I have Elizabeth's hen night on Fri when we're going for a meal but I'll try and look at the menu before I go to the restaurant and make my choices in advance.

Right, there are my goals for the week. Let's hope it gets better than this week :( Any suggestions?

For an Easter Sunday, I think I've done pretty well. Not a single bit of chocolate has passed these lips - I am a frigging saint, I tell you!

I've also been to a picnic that was overflowing with pork pies, scones, cakes and the like. This was followed by a family BBQ resplendent with tastiness. I stuck to the food I brought to the picnic and had pointed earlier and at the BBQ, I stole a couple of tiny pieces of pizza and then went home for a healthy tea.

We had the picnic in the park and I (me!) suggested a game of rounders and even participated, haha. I didn't last long and I was not a pretty sight afterwards (or during!) but it's the first time I've broke into a run in about 4 years! All this bloody effort better show on the scales on Tuesday, I tell you.

I also took the situation into my own hands and contacted that friend I was on about earlier in the week...just dropped a text asking how they were and they texted back amiably enough so now I'm comfortable with the fact that maybe I didn't offend them after all.

Tomorrow I'm driving a film crew around for the day and I've got to be at the start point for 8am. The shooting's gonna last til 4 and I'm panicking a bit about food. We were due to go grocery shopping this morning but all the bloody supermarkets were shut for Jesus and his eggs so our shelves are bare. I'm not sure what strategy I'm gonna go for yet - maybe go to the shop very early in the morning and get some stuff for sarnies? Probably best.

Breakfast: 2 toast & WW spread - 3pts
Lunch: 2 buns (4pts), ham (0.5pt), chicken (0.5pt), apple (0.5pt), monster munch (1.5pt), 2 mini onion bhaji (3pts)
Snack: 2 small slices frozen pizza (3pts), slice garlic baguette (2pt)
Tea: noodles (3pts), southern fried chicken grill (4pts), mayo (0.5pt), bread (2pt)

Another day without going over my points! Woo, well done me! I'm especially impressed with myself as I went out for lunch with the other half earlier - I asked for a prawn sandwich and he ordered a massive tuna and mayo baguette for me by accident. I knew it would be impossible to point and there was probably more than a tin's worth of tuna and shitloads of full fat mayo in it. Normally I'd just eat it anyway but today I didn't! I felt bad about wasting money but knew it was better for me. I just had a few chips off the side that I knew I could point fairly accurately but even then I didn't eat the the full portion. Go willpower! :)

Tea was a turkey curry with half a packet of Uncle Ben's finest microwave rice and a couple of WW naan breads. I didn't have any breakfast today though, which is not great - I've had breakfast every day this week so far. Still, that's a minor thing that I won't dwell on.

I also got a bit of exercise. I randomly drove to the place I used to live and was just going to turn round and drive home again when I thought of having a walk about for a bit. So I spent a good 20 mins exploring the streets of my youth, reminiscing to myself. Everything's changed but it's all still the same there.

Lunch: Chips & tomato sauce (8pts - over estimating just in case)
Snack: 2 crumpets, WW cream cheese spread, apple (3.5pts)
Tea: turkey (4pts), jalfreizi sauce (4pts), uncle ben's rice (3pts), 2 WW naan (3pts)

Wii Fit

I realise I need to get more active in order to speed up my weight loss. I've been trying to fit in regular 10-15 minute walks but whilst that helps, I think I need to do more.

Last year, I was at a yoga class which I absolutely loved as I'm part hippy anyway and thought the meditation side of it was brilliant. However, I have lectures that clash with that class now so I've not been for over a year. I do go to my weekly exercise class at the hospital but that's very very low impact.

The thought of joining a proper gym or going to a public swimming pool is enough to fill me with abject fear. I wish they'd start up a Weight Watchers only set of exercise classes or something - where everyone's in the same boat.

I've been hearing a lot of people talking about the Wii Fit lately and this sounds ideal for me. Lots of little (fun) exercises that can be done from the privacy of my own front room. I decided earlier today that I'd use my left over bursary money and treat myself to a Wii with the Wii Fit.

So, I set about researching the best prices and all that, only to find that it has an upper weight limit of 330 pounds. I realise this is what a lot of people may consider quite a generous limit (23st 8) but when it's on a product that's designed to help people get into exercise and battle obesity, it seems a little foolish to restrict the weight at that.

I've been reading around some forums regarding this issue and they're packed full of wankers saying that if you're above 330 pounds then you shouldn't be relying on the Wii Fit anyway and should seek medical help. They don't seem to want to know about the people who are already seeking medical help and trying in a million ways to do something about their weight. They moan on one hand about fat people this, fat people that, and they'll criticise the obese for being lazy, self indulgent and all that bollocks whilst simultaneously acting like it's completely acceptable to write off any efforts that said fat people may want to make as being not good enough or ridiculous.

It makes me so mad that ignorance and intolerance towards fat people is practically socially acceptable - we're treated like pariahs and I'm absolutely sick of it. If I do nothing about my weight, I fall into their 'lazy' category and if I was to show up at the gym or the pool, I'd be stared at like a freakshow exhibit and the overriding attitude would be 'what the fuck is she doing here?'.

It's also very annoying that Nintendo, in producing something aimed at getting people more active, have written out the very people their product could benefit the most. Those on the 'wrong' side of 330 pounds are not going to drop their excess weight quickly. It's all about making small lifestyle changes that are maintainable. The Wii Fit has the potential to be one of those small changes that will help in the bigger picture of weight loss and for some reason, it's out of reach.

I currently weigh 341 pounds so am excluded from the Wii Fit club. It's annoying because I think it's the ideal thing for me right now. I think I'm going to get the Wii anyway and play some of the other games that involve physical movement. If I get down to Nintendo's acceptable fatty weight, I'll treat myself to the Wii Fit board.

I've done well on the food front today - I'm finding I'm thinking more about my food and my meals. Sometimes it's a bit much to have my mind so focused on food but it's good in a way because whilst it's all at the forefront of my mind, I'm better at sticking to my diet. When I am not so concerned, I don't think about it as much, don't care about it as much and then it all starts unravelling. I'm going to start making a list at the bottom of my posts so that I can look back and see what I've been eating and if it all does start going wrong, I'll be able to make some links, maybe.

Aside from the diet, my mood's been a bit odd today. I'm still feeling quite positive and focused but am a bit anxious about a few things and keep drifting into that mindset. Alex is away tonight and although I spent a couple of years living completely alone, now I find it really odd and a bit scary when I have the house to myself all night. I hear noises all over the place and find it very difficult to sleep.

Then there's a strange situation with a friend who keeps blowing hot and cold. He'll text every day for a while then he'll go a couple of weeks and I won't hear a word - no replies online or anything. He came round last Saturday and I haven't really heard from him since. This is not a bad thing on his part - he's a busy guy, with a girlfriend, full time job and a masters degree to fit in. It's my stupid paranoia that cripples me. I end up thinking too much about it, wondering if I've offended him and going through all the stupid shit I might have said without thinking. I know when I next see him, he'll be absolutely fine with me but still, when he goes off the radar for a bit, I convince myself I've done something wrong and he hates me.

This is not a new thing but it's something that hasn't happened for a while. Every time I meet someone who I feel could end up being a really good friend and confidante, I get like this. I think I have a hard time believing that someone actually likes me enough to stick around and be friends. There's always a voice at the back of my head that's telling me that they all secretly hate me and that I'm not worthy of their friendship. An innate fear of rejection, I suppose. Funny, considering my brain's mostly convinced that I'm ok on my own and don't actually need anyone. I'm a walking frigging contradiction.

Written down, this all sounds very self pitying and a bit needy and crap. I feel like I should state that I don't let these types of feelings spill over into my relationships. I just end up stressing over them inwardly and it's really frustrating, especially when I know these negative thoughts have no basis in anything other than my lack of self esteem.

Again, just writing it all down helps break down the thoughts swirling round and gives me a better, more objective perspective on everything. I know I'm treating this blog a bit like a confessional but then again I absolutely believe that weight problems like mine have their roots in the mind, not the body. Expressing my mind and attempting to reevaluate my thoughts has gotta have a positive knock on effect, surely?

I am managing pretty well in sticking to my mini goals for this week. I've had a piece of fruit a day, for starters. I know I'm supposed to be aiming at my 5 a day but y'know, baby steps and all. Every little helps, apparently.

I have been doing quite a bit of walking too. I walked my legs off in York yesterday and also spent about an hour walking about town today. I would have gone out for another walk this afternoon but my HMS is playing up quite badly after driving and wandering about for hours yesterday. Even my wrists are hurting today - I could barely pick up a pan earlier.

I've also made a start on my Renaissance Lit essay. I've decided to focus on Elizabethan religious issues and the literature that came from the conflicts between the Catholics and the Protestants. I haven't picked any specific authors to hone in on yet but the research is going nicely thus far.

Anyway, food intake today:

Breakfast: 2xtoast, spread, ham (3pts)
Lunch: 2xbread, tuna in french dressing (4pts)
Snack: apple (0.5pts), snackajack crisps (2pts)
Tea: noodles (5pts), chicken with Chinese marinade (3pts), salad (2pts)

Well, today went a little better than expected, but I still fucked it up in the end! I went to York and it was beautiful, as ever. I bought an excess of things I truly don't need but either sparkled at me or looked too pretty to leave on the shelf. It was nice mooching around with my boyfriend, Alex and getting to spend a little time with my sisters and Dad, too.

Food wise, I started off with a really light breakfast so I could save the points for eating out - I just had a WW yoghurt and an apple. Lunch time I did myself proud - we went to Bella Italia and I wanted a pizza or a panini with chips but managed to pick the spaghetti napoli instead (just 7 pts). I did get garlic bread with it, which with hindsight, I regret - it was a tiny portion and I resent wasting 6 pts on it!

It went downhill later though. My partner wanted to go to the Gourmet Burger Kitchen and as I'd only had 14 pts all day, I thought I might be able to get away with it. Only now I've come home and tried to point it and can't find any nutritional information anywhere! I have a sinking suspicion that I've gone well over my points, as the burgers were bloody massive.

Still, although I am annoyed with myself a bit, I suppose it was a step in the right direction. I didn't indulge myself all day, I managed to show a bit of restraint in my choices and I'm going to try and be proud of myself for that and not cut myself up about going over my points - it was a genuine mistake today as I believed I was eating within them.

My negativity does hinder me somewhat...the more guilty I feel about my eating habits, the more I convince myself that I'm an abject failure and will never succeed at losing weight. Once that thought is at the forefront of my mind, it's far too easy to skip to 'well, what's the point of even trying?'.

I think this blog is helping already though - just putting things down in black and white is helping to clarify my feelings and recognise some of the patterns I have with my eating. I'm only a few days in so I feel a bit cautious about saying I feel like I'm back on track but what the hell, let's be positive...I'm on track today and I was yesterday and that is fucking good news for me. Tis about time I recognised the positive as well as the negative.

I did well today. It's probably down to my elite planning skills. I managed to stick to my mini goals all day and as a result, got shitloads done and stuck to my points.

I did hit a stumbling block at the cinema when I went to the toilet and came back to find my other half had bought me a Cornetto. However, I had the points spare so no harm done, just means no supper for me tonight!

Am a bit concerned about tomorrow and sticking to my points. I'm going for a day out in York and it may well extend to an overnight stay. If that's the case, it's going to mean eating out for both dinner and tea.

I have real issues with eating out. If I'm in a restaurant and paying someone to eat then I feel as though I should be able to eat whatever is the nicest thing on the damn menu if I want it. I often find myself skipping what I know are the healthy choices and going for a 'treat' just cos I'm in a restaurant. I feel somehow cheated if I pick based on what's the healthiest thing - as though I'm depriving myself of the full 'eating out' experience.

This probably wouldn't be so bad if it was a one off but I eat out far too much and it's probably been one of the biggest contributions to my weight gain over the years. If it was a one off, then y'know, it's a treat and I can live with that. However, eating out two or three times a week is more of a habit than it is a treat and with Italy looming, I really need to sort my head out about this.

Part of me is convinced that the next time I write here I'm going to have to report a bad food day, even though right now it could technically still go either way. I have no trust in my willpower! Maybe the thought of forcing myself to confess on here afterwards will tempt me into being good. We'll see.

It's all blue skies and gusty winds in Teesside today, refreshing and rejuvenating. There's a new, spring like energy in the air and it's creeping up on me too. I know it's early days but I feel more positive this week than I have in a long time with regards to sorting my life out.

I do a lot better with everything when I take the time to disentangle my thoughts and structure them a little better - I might be a bit of a control freak but I know for sure that if I write down in advance what I'm going to do with my day and include what I plan to eat, then I end up getting a lot more done than if I just muddle about aimlessly.

I imagine it won't make terribly interesting reading but it's really helped me in the past and perhaps it could inspire someone else who thinks along the same lines as I do. So, with that in mind, here's how I sort myself out on my good days. Firstly, I figure out my to-do list for the day and today it goes as follows:

* Phone the university regarding my council tax exemption certificate
* Tidy computer room
* Formulate an essay plan for my Renaissance Literature module
* Go to the doctors to order repeat prescription (and, if I can summon the confidence, book a smear test)
* Go to the hospital exercise class
* Go to cinema with Alex, Eamonn and Eken to see the Damned United

Ok, so those are my aims for the day. My diet is a priority at the moment and as such, I want to try and plan my meals too:

Breakfast - had cereal and semi skimmed milk (3 pts)
Snack - an apple (1/2 point)
Lunch - omelette with 2 eggs (3pts), cheese (1.5pts), mushrooms, ham and salad (2 pts for dressing)
Tea - salmon and prawn tagliatelle made with tagliatelle (5pts), prawns (1.5pts), smoked salmon (2pts), WW soft cheese (1.5pts) and garlic bread (4pts)


Next, I allocate times for everything - although it's important for me to be flexible (I'm not completely OCD, haha). It's 11am now so:

11.15 - Phone university, have snack

12.00 - Lunch

1.00 - Exercise class at hospital

2.00 - Go to doctors to get prescription sorted

3.00 - Home, chill out for half an hour, then tidy computer room

4.00 - Ren Lit essay plan

6.00 - Cook tea

8.00 - Go to cinema

I've made sure to not fill up my day completely - I still have plenty of time to just sit around and do nothing if the mood strikes!

In other news, my anti-establishment blood is boiling this morning after viewing this horrific video: http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/apr/07/ian-tomlinson-g20-death-video . How any action like this can ever be justified is beyond me but I'm sure the ranks will close and we'll be fed some bullshit story about the need to eliminate terror or something. Bastards.

Ok, I need to be more conscious regarding my eating habits and this diet I'm on. I need to start looking at these snappily named SMART goals and stop being so damn vague about everything.

First, the good stuff. Back in June 2006, I weighed 26 stone 9lbs. By the time I went to Cuba in March 2008 I weighed 22st 9lbs. That's a four stone loss, 56 lbs. Well done me. I never really allowed myself to appreciate how well I did getting to that point as I was so wound up with how much was left to lose.

I want to stop being like that, I would like to record and appreciate every little loss and celebrate it, set some small goals and reward myself each time I reach one. I want to document my weight loss journey, both the highs and the lows. I know I distance myself from my emotions and my habits - perhaps this will be a way of picking up on underlying patterns that I've not been aware of.

So, with that in mind, here's where I am now: I had a relapse following my holiday to Cuba. Last year I lost sight of what I wanted and found it exceedingly difficult to restrict my impulsive eating habits. I put on weight again and when I decided to get back onto the rickety wagon in late Feb this year, I weighed 25st. I would have screamed at myself, but obviously I'm far too repressed to do that!

I'm now down to 24st 4.5lbs. It's still a good bit heavier than this time last year but it is what it is and I can either get hung up on that and give it all up as a bad job or I can start again, keep going and see what happens.

It's an exhausting merry-go-round and all I want to do is eat what I want, when I want it. It angers my self destructive, indulgent side that I have to think about what I'm eating and moderate it - it feels as though I'm depriving myself of something - I'll even start convincing myself how I deserve to have pizza tonight and that I shouldn't have to have something healthy.

However, if I want to change things for myself, then I do have to watch myself. Alas, I'm not one of those annoying people who can ingest their weight in chocolate and never have it show on the scales.

So, I'm going to make some mini goals, for this week and then for this month:

* I will limit myself to one take away. I'll do this by making sure I plan my meals in advance, the night before if possible.

* I will eat at least one piece of fruit a day.

* On Thursday, Saturday and Monday I will go for a walk of at least 10 minutes and I will attend my exercise class on Wednesday and investigate the swimming class in Guisborough.

* I will try and document my feelings in this blog every few days as well record any achieved goals.

* I will stick to my WW points each day and aim for a 2lb weight loss this week - if achieved, I will buy myself a new album or DVD.

* By 15 May, I will aim toward a goal weight of 23st 8.5lbs - a loss of 10lbs. My holiday to Italy will be reward enough for this achievement.

Right, let's see how it goes.